i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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