Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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