Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
50% drunk capacity currently
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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