Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
