I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize