i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
