it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
