On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
