Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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