I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
