Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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