I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
