did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She's the barista slut.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
