Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
