end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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