It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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