I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
