I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
