he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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