you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
