You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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