Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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