i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
