Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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