I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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