u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
