At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
