my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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