My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
