Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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