I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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