Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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