where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
