Who did Billy Mays play for?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
