I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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