Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think my fart just growled at me.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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