I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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