the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Boobs are out for the taking
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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