just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
