even my farts smell like vagina
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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