How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
