i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
