I just cut my nipple shaving
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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