How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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