We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
