nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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