Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize