My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
