do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
