evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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