no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
