I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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