If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
