Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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