sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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