I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
