Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
